I began this blog, as previously mentioned, by the impetus of friends with the intention of using it as therapy, to keep from bottling it all up, to express myself.
It was hoped that it would have both positive and negative posts, hopefully with more on the positive side. It has had more negative I fear.
Perhaps a heated election year was not the time for one with high aspirations of equal rights for all, even gays and women, to begin a new blog. Perhaps it was especially egregious as the bulk of my facebook friends are right wing, christians, who feel the bible should override decency, compassion, and the legal rights of ALL citizens.
So here I sit more than 3 months after my last post, having dwindled my facebook friends down to a pittance of where it was, writing again...
An exercise in futility? A waste of an attempt? Have I learned anything in this last year?
A great deal has happened in my life since I began this venture, most of it not good, but I have learned. I've failed to care for myself, I've gained weight, I've taken care of others, I've internalized, but I have learned.
I've learned no matter how old we may be, or how mature we believe ourselves to be, we all have moments where our juvenile tendencies prevail.
I've learned there is a reason we were all taught to avoid certain topics when speaking with others and that this needs to include online interactions.
I've learned that while I've long thought I was secure, and even comfortable, in my identity that one word or action from another can send me into a whirlwind of doubt and self-loathing. I've learned that no amount of scientific data is going to change some peoples minds on the "choices" some of us have made in advancing "the gay agenda."
Most frighteningly, I have learned that I am probably homophobic. Not in general, I don't have any dislike or hate for the community as a whole, I just have a long-held, deeply ingrained hatred of self that stems from my upbringing and is called out at the slightest little inference from one of those with whom I spent my youth.
So, as a result, I've also learned that facebook was the mistake I had always feared it would be and I cannot have contact with most of those people because while I have no questions regarding who I am and why that's alright in this world they can certainly make me question my self worth.
I have also learned that I don't need to internalize all of this and that these feelings are okay provided I'm willing to work through them and continue a voyage of self discovery that will eventually lead to my realizing I'm worth more than I think.
Narcissistic? Egomaniacal? I don't believe so. Just finally giving myself what's long overdue. A little self adulation, a little love, and a little acceptance for those things I can't change and a little understanding as I work on those that I can.
I'll end with this quote which I find rather humourous, not because of what it says, but because of its author and the idea that he may find my use "unworthy":
"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip."
~Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater
