When I was a teen we played a "game" involving several questions in which you were to answer what you perceived as the "ideal age" for various major life events, marriage, having children, even death. With that in mind I have an anticipated, I dare say longed for, expiration date, as my idea of the "ideal age" for death has not changed. This number is much earlier than most might consider, yet I still believe it the "ideal." If everything were lined up and exactly as I hoped in life I would still consider this number the "perfect" age to shake off this earthly coil.
That being said, I have not tried to lose weight in hopes of better health or longer life. Granted I believe a certain lack of pounds may ease some pain I experience on a regular basis, I don't see that as the same thing as better health. The problem with this is that I want to lose weight to look better. Why? I don't know. It's not as though I'm on the hunt for a significant other. As I've said before, I'm very uncomfortable in the company of men so the likelihood of my "going on the prowl" is very slim. Yet I'd like to believe someone might find me attractive and "fat me" just doesn't buy that notion. I find it interesting that some people can be overweight and still attractive, I'm NOT one of those people.
Why have I said all this? Well, in the last couple of years I've managed to lose over sixty pounds, and kept it off for a length of time, only to regain nearly all of it in recent months. The problem is that, other than in my face, I didn't/don't see the difference. My body looked the same either way. So why bother losing it again? If I don't see a difference and there's no-one specific I'm trying to lure, or keep, and I have this, perceived, expiration date, why work so hard to lose the weight? So I look better when I reach the crematorium?
I don't know. I'm pretty sure, unless it's by my own hand, I'll not achieve that expiration date. I don't see a difference fatter or lighter. So why stress it? There are so many other things about which I can lose sleep. Health, weight, and age, hardly seem relevant.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas..."
"I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas, only a hippopotamus will do..."
What am I talking about? Many of you may be familiar with this old Christmas song. Honestly I was quite old before I first heard it.
This song has a deeper meaning for me as an adult, it's a dream for Christmas. A large, seemingly, unattainable Christmas gift. A gift that can neither fit under the tree nor be wrapped. It cannot be bought at a store. It's an intangible.
This year I have many intangibles for Christmas, not for myself but for so many others in my life. They need a Christmas miracle. They need Santa to deliver a hippopotamus through the front door. Health, financial security, a home...beyond the esoteric wishes for world peace, there are so many in my life who need inner peace. A peace that comes from being secure in where you are, of not having to question at every turn what tomorrow may bring. From where will we get the next meal? Will we have a place to call home? How will I provide for those I love...for myself?
Yes, I too need a hippopotamus but I want so much for the others in my life to get their hippopotamuses. If they received this gift I would benefit in my not feeling the need to worry so about each of them.
Christmas is going to be meager around these parts but there's always someone worse off than yourself. The problem is I know so many worse off to whom I am closely tied.
I wish for each of you your own hippopotamus, whatever that may be.
Merry Christmas and may we all have a prosperous, and healthy, new year.
I love this video of the song, Enjoy!
What am I talking about? Many of you may be familiar with this old Christmas song. Honestly I was quite old before I first heard it.
This song has a deeper meaning for me as an adult, it's a dream for Christmas. A large, seemingly, unattainable Christmas gift. A gift that can neither fit under the tree nor be wrapped. It cannot be bought at a store. It's an intangible.
This year I have many intangibles for Christmas, not for myself but for so many others in my life. They need a Christmas miracle. They need Santa to deliver a hippopotamus through the front door. Health, financial security, a home...beyond the esoteric wishes for world peace, there are so many in my life who need inner peace. A peace that comes from being secure in where you are, of not having to question at every turn what tomorrow may bring. From where will we get the next meal? Will we have a place to call home? How will I provide for those I love...for myself?
Yes, I too need a hippopotamus but I want so much for the others in my life to get their hippopotamuses. If they received this gift I would benefit in my not feeling the need to worry so about each of them.
Christmas is going to be meager around these parts but there's always someone worse off than yourself. The problem is I know so many worse off to whom I am closely tied.
I wish for each of you your own hippopotamus, whatever that may be.
Merry Christmas and may we all have a prosperous, and healthy, new year.
I love this video of the song, Enjoy!
Monday, December 17, 2012
the voices in my head
No-one else can hear
the voices in my head.
No-one else hears
the things that they have said.
No-one else hears them wish that I were dead.
Until it all comes exploding, raging from my head
the voices in my head.
No-one else hears
the things that they have said.
No-one else hears them wish that I were dead.
Until it all comes exploding, raging from my head
Rolling, boiling, tempest storm...
Crashing, destroying, consuming flood of hatred and scorn.
Crashing, destroying, consuming flood of hatred and scorn.
How do I silence them?
Is this truly my desire?
Or do I just wish no-one else heard them...EVER
How do I protect others from that which is within me?
Every day the fire builds and threatens to consume me...
I want it to consume me
But without others in the way.
I'd rather that they have no clue
Is this truly my desire?
Or do I just wish no-one else heard them...EVER
How do I protect others from that which is within me?
Every day the fire builds and threatens to consume me...
I want it to consume me
But without others in the way.
I'd rather that they have no clue
The darkness deep within
Ever rising to the surface
Threatening kith and kin
With the knowledge of my sins
It's true no day passes
I desire to stay alive
But I'd rather shelter others
From the knowledge of this desire
It's true no day passes
I desire to stay alive
But I'd rather shelter others
From the knowledge of this desire
I fear realisation of this longing's the only way
These voices will ever cease
These voices will ever cease
And I'll have a "normal" day
Embrace the dark stranger
Who comes to steal your breathe
For death's the only answer
To these voices in my head
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Swords into plowshares...
The elections are over and, whether or not you agree, the people have spoken.
I don't claim to completely understand or agree with the electoral college process especially as it seems counterintuitive to the "popular vote," but it is how it's done and as far as what I've seen so far tonight seems to reflect the popular vote.
I have in light of tonight's events seen poor sportsmanship on the part of members of both parties. Disparaging remarks made about and toward the "losing" party, and the wailing and bemoaning of said party. The gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes, as it were, as die hard Romney supporters bemoan Obama's re-election.
Like him or not, he is our President for another 4 years. I would respect the office regardless of its inhabitant but will concede it's easier to respect the President when he is your choice and you are able to agree with more of his policies. Nonetheless, I offer my support to whomever takes office in whatever way possible.
That being said, I wholeheartedly believe if we have any hope of repairing what is wrong in this country we must set aside our political differences, get behind the President, and do what we can to advance progress, and improvement. We don't have to agree with all his policies, decisions, or actions, but we don't have to disagree and fight him at every turn either, just because he may not have been our personal choice.
A friend said it best as polls were just closing and numbers were only beginning to come in, I hope they won't mind my quoting them: "Who is this "them" and "us".....no matter who the winner is we are all Americans. It is no one's business but my own who I voted for, but one thing for sure is that if you didn't vote for who I did I don't consider you to be "them"....sad."
There is no "them" and "us," only "we the people" all the people, the citizens of this great country in which ALL men are created equal and all bear a responsibility to uphold that which we hold sacred, without influence of our political or religious beliefs or any other personal bias.
So now that the elections are over and the victor has been declared let us beat our swords into plowshares, roll up our sleeves, band together and press onward!
I don't claim to completely understand or agree with the electoral college process especially as it seems counterintuitive to the "popular vote," but it is how it's done and as far as what I've seen so far tonight seems to reflect the popular vote.
I have in light of tonight's events seen poor sportsmanship on the part of members of both parties. Disparaging remarks made about and toward the "losing" party, and the wailing and bemoaning of said party. The gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes, as it were, as die hard Romney supporters bemoan Obama's re-election.
Like him or not, he is our President for another 4 years. I would respect the office regardless of its inhabitant but will concede it's easier to respect the President when he is your choice and you are able to agree with more of his policies. Nonetheless, I offer my support to whomever takes office in whatever way possible.
That being said, I wholeheartedly believe if we have any hope of repairing what is wrong in this country we must set aside our political differences, get behind the President, and do what we can to advance progress, and improvement. We don't have to agree with all his policies, decisions, or actions, but we don't have to disagree and fight him at every turn either, just because he may not have been our personal choice.
A friend said it best as polls were just closing and numbers were only beginning to come in, I hope they won't mind my quoting them: "Who is this "them" and "us".....no matter who the winner is we are all Americans. It is no one's business but my own who I voted for, but one thing for sure is that if you didn't vote for who I did I don't consider you to be "them"....sad."
There is no "them" and "us," only "we the people" all the people, the citizens of this great country in which ALL men are created equal and all bear a responsibility to uphold that which we hold sacred, without influence of our political or religious beliefs or any other personal bias.
So now that the elections are over and the victor has been declared let us beat our swords into plowshares, roll up our sleeves, band together and press onward!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
An exercise in futility...
I began this blog, as previously mentioned, by the impetus of friends with the intention of using it as therapy, to keep from bottling it all up, to express myself.
It was hoped that it would have both positive and negative posts, hopefully with more on the positive side. It has had more negative I fear.
Perhaps a heated election year was not the time for one with high aspirations of equal rights for all, even gays and women, to begin a new blog. Perhaps it was especially egregious as the bulk of my facebook friends are right wing, christians, who feel the bible should override decency, compassion, and the legal rights of ALL citizens.
So here I sit more than 3 months after my last post, having dwindled my facebook friends down to a pittance of where it was, writing again...
An exercise in futility? A waste of an attempt? Have I learned anything in this last year?
A great deal has happened in my life since I began this venture, most of it not good, but I have learned. I've failed to care for myself, I've gained weight, I've taken care of others, I've internalized, but I have learned.
I've learned no matter how old we may be, or how mature we believe ourselves to be, we all have moments where our juvenile tendencies prevail.
I've learned there is a reason we were all taught to avoid certain topics when speaking with others and that this needs to include online interactions.
I've learned that while I've long thought I was secure, and even comfortable, in my identity that one word or action from another can send me into a whirlwind of doubt and self-loathing. I've learned that no amount of scientific data is going to change some peoples minds on the "choices" some of us have made in advancing "the gay agenda."
Most frighteningly, I have learned that I am probably homophobic. Not in general, I don't have any dislike or hate for the community as a whole, I just have a long-held, deeply ingrained hatred of self that stems from my upbringing and is called out at the slightest little inference from one of those with whom I spent my youth.
So, as a result, I've also learned that facebook was the mistake I had always feared it would be and I cannot have contact with most of those people because while I have no questions regarding who I am and why that's alright in this world they can certainly make me question my self worth.
I have also learned that I don't need to internalize all of this and that these feelings are okay provided I'm willing to work through them and continue a voyage of self discovery that will eventually lead to my realizing I'm worth more than I think.
Narcissistic? Egomaniacal? I don't believe so. Just finally giving myself what's long overdue. A little self adulation, a little love, and a little acceptance for those things I can't change and a little understanding as I work on those that I can.
I'll end with this quote which I find rather humourous, not because of what it says, but because of its author and the idea that he may find my use "unworthy":
"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip."
~Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater
It was hoped that it would have both positive and negative posts, hopefully with more on the positive side. It has had more negative I fear.
Perhaps a heated election year was not the time for one with high aspirations of equal rights for all, even gays and women, to begin a new blog. Perhaps it was especially egregious as the bulk of my facebook friends are right wing, christians, who feel the bible should override decency, compassion, and the legal rights of ALL citizens.
So here I sit more than 3 months after my last post, having dwindled my facebook friends down to a pittance of where it was, writing again...
An exercise in futility? A waste of an attempt? Have I learned anything in this last year?
A great deal has happened in my life since I began this venture, most of it not good, but I have learned. I've failed to care for myself, I've gained weight, I've taken care of others, I've internalized, but I have learned.
I've learned no matter how old we may be, or how mature we believe ourselves to be, we all have moments where our juvenile tendencies prevail.
I've learned there is a reason we were all taught to avoid certain topics when speaking with others and that this needs to include online interactions.
I've learned that while I've long thought I was secure, and even comfortable, in my identity that one word or action from another can send me into a whirlwind of doubt and self-loathing. I've learned that no amount of scientific data is going to change some peoples minds on the "choices" some of us have made in advancing "the gay agenda."
Most frighteningly, I have learned that I am probably homophobic. Not in general, I don't have any dislike or hate for the community as a whole, I just have a long-held, deeply ingrained hatred of self that stems from my upbringing and is called out at the slightest little inference from one of those with whom I spent my youth.
So, as a result, I've also learned that facebook was the mistake I had always feared it would be and I cannot have contact with most of those people because while I have no questions regarding who I am and why that's alright in this world they can certainly make me question my self worth.
I have also learned that I don't need to internalize all of this and that these feelings are okay provided I'm willing to work through them and continue a voyage of self discovery that will eventually lead to my realizing I'm worth more than I think.
Narcissistic? Egomaniacal? I don't believe so. Just finally giving myself what's long overdue. A little self adulation, a little love, and a little acceptance for those things I can't change and a little understanding as I work on those that I can.
I'll end with this quote which I find rather humourous, not because of what it says, but because of its author and the idea that he may find my use "unworthy":
"Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you're worthy of the trip."
~Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater
Thursday, July 5, 2012
"God Bless America"
The last week has been quite interesting for me from a political standpoint. First let me point out that I never really thought of myself as being very political at all, that was before I joined Facebook and saw the type of content I was posting.
We have all heard the old adage regarding the 3 topics that should never be part of polite conversation, money, religion, and politics. Well it seems that's no longer true and no-one is willing to hold their tongues on any of them.
The week began with a rather heated discussion regarding a political topic in which, in my opinion, a friend irresponsibly claimed the topic made us a socialist nation. That discussion deteriorated into a difference in religious perspective and my choosing to be gay, or more pointedly why do I identify as gay if I'm not "living the gay lifestyle." Man up and accept god kind of thing.
More troubling for me was yesterday's occurrence. I understand we all have varying political, and religious, views truth be told I believe that's part of what makes this country so great that we CAN have those opinions. In as much I have kept it no secret as to my struggle in believing in the christian's version of god, but I believe there may be a time and place where those opinions may, or may not, be more appropriately expressed.
Case in point, an Independence Day tribute posted to a Facebook wall. I saw it happen repeatedly yesterday and it happened on my own wall.
There are very few great songs regarding this country that do not have some reference to a higher being. I read somewhere the other day a comment regarding one's belief that this referenced a more universal god, an idea of some great benevolence and protector that was part of the human experience and enveloped this country. I rather like that idea especially in light of this country's foundation of "Freedom of religion." We can NOT in any way be a theocracy and still recognise that great tenet of the founding fathers. But I digress...
I posted the words to God Bless America as part of my Independence Day tribute to both this country and to those who have sacrificed for our freedoms and a friend took that platform as an opportunity to comment on their opinion that this is no longer a free country. An opportunity to once again slam a President of whom they don't approve.
If I can overlook the use of god in a song that I feel is a tribute to this land why can't you overlook your politics for just a few moments and be grateful for what we do have?
I have always tried to give each President the benefit of the doubt, and support them as much as I can. I may not always approve of everything he does, nor am I likely to approve of his politics at every turn, but he is OUR President and deserves our respect and support.
So let us at least occasionally put down our swords and pick up the banner of freedom and proudly declare what a great country this REALLY is showing our support for not only our country but for all those who have given so much that we are afforded these freedoms, however minor you may feel they be...indeed "God Bless America!"
"While the storm clouds gather far across the sea,
Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free,
Let us all be grateful for a land so fair,
As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer. "
... God Bless America,
Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home.
~ Irving Berlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zF7a0wB-Lg
We have all heard the old adage regarding the 3 topics that should never be part of polite conversation, money, religion, and politics. Well it seems that's no longer true and no-one is willing to hold their tongues on any of them.
The week began with a rather heated discussion regarding a political topic in which, in my opinion, a friend irresponsibly claimed the topic made us a socialist nation. That discussion deteriorated into a difference in religious perspective and my choosing to be gay, or more pointedly why do I identify as gay if I'm not "living the gay lifestyle." Man up and accept god kind of thing.
More troubling for me was yesterday's occurrence. I understand we all have varying political, and religious, views truth be told I believe that's part of what makes this country so great that we CAN have those opinions. In as much I have kept it no secret as to my struggle in believing in the christian's version of god, but I believe there may be a time and place where those opinions may, or may not, be more appropriately expressed.
Case in point, an Independence Day tribute posted to a Facebook wall. I saw it happen repeatedly yesterday and it happened on my own wall.
There are very few great songs regarding this country that do not have some reference to a higher being. I read somewhere the other day a comment regarding one's belief that this referenced a more universal god, an idea of some great benevolence and protector that was part of the human experience and enveloped this country. I rather like that idea especially in light of this country's foundation of "Freedom of religion." We can NOT in any way be a theocracy and still recognise that great tenet of the founding fathers. But I digress...
I posted the words to God Bless America as part of my Independence Day tribute to both this country and to those who have sacrificed for our freedoms and a friend took that platform as an opportunity to comment on their opinion that this is no longer a free country. An opportunity to once again slam a President of whom they don't approve.
If I can overlook the use of god in a song that I feel is a tribute to this land why can't you overlook your politics for just a few moments and be grateful for what we do have?
I have always tried to give each President the benefit of the doubt, and support them as much as I can. I may not always approve of everything he does, nor am I likely to approve of his politics at every turn, but he is OUR President and deserves our respect and support.
So let us at least occasionally put down our swords and pick up the banner of freedom and proudly declare what a great country this REALLY is showing our support for not only our country but for all those who have given so much that we are afforded these freedoms, however minor you may feel they be...indeed "God Bless America!"
"While the storm clouds gather far across the sea,
Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free,
Let us all be grateful for a land so fair,
As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer. "
... God Bless America,
Land that I love.
Stand beside her, and guide her
Thru the night with a light from above.
From the mountains, to the prairies,
To the oceans, white with foam
God bless America, My home sweet home.
~ Irving Berlin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zF7a0wB-Lg
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happy Father's Day
What is Father's Day to a man with no children? To a man who has never had a REAL relationship with his own Father, or Dad?
I never, of a conscious age, knew my biological father and, for reasons I'll not go in to, never will. Truth be told I had no desire to meet the man or learn more about him. I now know I have at least one other sibling via this man but I am lead to believe he doesn't know that my sister and I exist. This is all inconsequential to Father's Day.
There is a man I am happy to call Dad. While he is no longer married to my Mother and I have some personal issues with his way of parenting, as do my siblings, he is Dad. We have something of a "Cat's in the Cradle" relationship, he didn't seem to have much time for me as a child and, unfortunately, I won't give him much now. He did however take on an instant family when he married my Mom so I have to give him a certain amount of respect for being willing to at least try. In my opinion, he missed the mark in many ways but he was willing to try.
I, probably, knew early on that we wouldn't have a relationship when I became an adult and their divorce put an even larger wedge between us. I grew up and moved away, he left the house, so now when I visit it's too easy to avoid him, much like I felt he avoided me in earlier years. There really is no positive spin I can put on this, I am failing him as a son, now consciously as opposed to the failure I was subconsciously for being who I am to begin with, and he, in my warped mind, has failed in some ways as a Dad. I will always love him but I will never feel like I was truly his son or that he will ever accept me for who, and what, I am. That, therefore, may always keep us from a REAL relationship. We all fail, we're human, we just need to learn from our failures and try to make the best of the time we have left, especially with those we love. No matter how they may have hurt us, or seemingly continue to hurt us, we must learn to put that aside in hopes of developing the relationship we'd like to nurture.
I have always had issues with men I suppose that's why I've always been single. I don't trust them, they make me uncomfortable, they by their very presence can make me feel inadequate, stupid, and like a little kid again, and personal history has taught me they will always abandon you. There is always something in their lives they'd rather have than you, or rather be doing than being with you.Trust issues? Maybe a little...
Someday I hope to find a man who will prove me wrong on all those counts. Someday I hope my Dad and I can forge a real relationship based on mutual love, respect, and acceptance. I don't see that happening any time soon but I hope we have enough time left to see it occur.
Happy Father's Day!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c
I never, of a conscious age, knew my biological father and, for reasons I'll not go in to, never will. Truth be told I had no desire to meet the man or learn more about him. I now know I have at least one other sibling via this man but I am lead to believe he doesn't know that my sister and I exist. This is all inconsequential to Father's Day.
There is a man I am happy to call Dad. While he is no longer married to my Mother and I have some personal issues with his way of parenting, as do my siblings, he is Dad. We have something of a "Cat's in the Cradle" relationship, he didn't seem to have much time for me as a child and, unfortunately, I won't give him much now. He did however take on an instant family when he married my Mom so I have to give him a certain amount of respect for being willing to at least try. In my opinion, he missed the mark in many ways but he was willing to try.
I, probably, knew early on that we wouldn't have a relationship when I became an adult and their divorce put an even larger wedge between us. I grew up and moved away, he left the house, so now when I visit it's too easy to avoid him, much like I felt he avoided me in earlier years. There really is no positive spin I can put on this, I am failing him as a son, now consciously as opposed to the failure I was subconsciously for being who I am to begin with, and he, in my warped mind, has failed in some ways as a Dad. I will always love him but I will never feel like I was truly his son or that he will ever accept me for who, and what, I am. That, therefore, may always keep us from a REAL relationship. We all fail, we're human, we just need to learn from our failures and try to make the best of the time we have left, especially with those we love. No matter how they may have hurt us, or seemingly continue to hurt us, we must learn to put that aside in hopes of developing the relationship we'd like to nurture.
I have always had issues with men I suppose that's why I've always been single. I don't trust them, they make me uncomfortable, they by their very presence can make me feel inadequate, stupid, and like a little kid again, and personal history has taught me they will always abandon you. There is always something in their lives they'd rather have than you, or rather be doing than being with you.Trust issues? Maybe a little...
Someday I hope to find a man who will prove me wrong on all those counts. Someday I hope my Dad and I can forge a real relationship based on mutual love, respect, and acceptance. I don't see that happening any time soon but I hope we have enough time left to see it occur.
Happy Father's Day!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)