What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 
                                                                            ~William Shakespeare Romeo and Juliet

There are words, names, and phrases, all of which have the ability to conjure certain feelings, images, or emotions within each of us. Some evoke luxury, think Cartier or Rolls Royce, Tiffany, or Fabergé. Some make us think of our childhood, our families, friends, and "home." Others instill fear, loathing, and anger, perhaps by no fault of their own, but by the subconscious bridge our thought patterns pursue upon hearing them.

The same can often be said of aromas, or other sensory perceptions. I have a series of childhood memories that flood my senses every time I smell a particular brand of dishwashing liquid. The scent of certain food stuffs automatically sends me into the warmth of my Grandmother's kitchen and her loving arms, but I digress.

A name, the simple moniker by which most are known their entire lives, bestowed upon them at birth by, presumably, loving parents. What we make of that name as we grow into our own person is an entirely different matter. Part of this is, of course, influenced by our parents and family, some by our encounters with the outside world, and yet other aspects by our closest friendships, especially as we reach our teen years and seek to be a part of our peer group and be accepted by the crowd.

I encountered a name this evening that I have not heard in YEARS. A name which occasionally crosses the scope of my memory and, along with a few others with which it will always be associated in my mind, makes my heart skip a beat. Not the kind of skip a beat that comes with a secret crush, or longing, nor that of joy or rapture, no, this is the kind of skip from abject terror, fear, and, perceived, inferiority.

Deep down I knew this name still held that sway, despite having not encountered this individual in over twenty-five years, but I was ill prepared for just what it did to me seeing his name.

I was made part of a Facebook group, a group with which I am logically to be associated, and yet my knee-jerk reaction at seeing his post at the top of the group page was to remove myself from said group.

This man, a mere teen at last encounter, his brother, and one other young man, were all amongst those I most feared in my junior high and high school years, they were my bullies. They were the big men on campus, the jocks, the hyper-masculine, make the girls swoon, crush the competition, heroes of the halls. I was their target!

Now in hind-sight, I was just discussing with a friend that in grade school I was probably a bully. There are many things I recall having done to others in those years that, while I'm not proud of, would qualify as bully behaviours. Yet, by the fifth grade, I had reformed. I became a model student and the target of the bullies. I had hobbies and even ways of dress that set me apart, and apparently I was also a bit nelly. Prime fodder for getting your butt kicked figuratively, and physically.

Moving on to a private, Christian school only exacerbated the problem. Throw in these guys who, seemingly, ran the place and I was toast.

Mentally I know these names should no longer hold such sway, for all I know these men have grown into open-minded individuals willing to embrace the diversity that our world offers, but subconsciously, they will always be the closed-minded, bigoted, neanderthals that scared the hell out of me every time I had to be anywhere near them.

Even today I think of things I may say to others and wonder could that have hurt more deeply than I perceived? Have I been a bully? Did they see, in what I intended as a joke, some mean spirit hell bent on crushing them? I must, daily and in every encounter, more carefully choose my words and measure my actions that my name not instill in others the dread and fear that these names hold for me.

"The mouth is a powerful weapon and words can never be taken back. So remember that while you think you're being helpful, or are indeed just joking, the most powerful weapon in the world has the ability to destroy someone inside and out."   ~Unknown