Happy Father's Day

What is Father's Day to a man with no children? To a man who has never had a REAL relationship with his own Father, or Dad?

I never, of a conscious age, knew my biological father and, for reasons I'll not go in to, never will. Truth be told I had no desire to meet the man or learn more about him. I now know I have at least one other sibling via this man but I am lead to believe he doesn't know that my sister and I exist. This is all inconsequential to Father's Day.

There is a man I am happy to call Dad. While he is no longer married to my Mother and I have some personal issues with his way of parenting, as do my siblings, he is Dad. We have something of a "Cat's in the Cradle" relationship, he didn't seem to have much time for me as a child and, unfortunately, I won't give him much now. He did however take on an instant family when he married my Mom so I have to give him a certain amount of respect for being willing to at least try. In my opinion, he missed the mark in many ways but he was willing to try.

I, probably, knew early on that we wouldn't have a relationship when I became an adult and their divorce put an even larger wedge between us. I grew up and moved away, he left the house, so now when I visit it's too easy to avoid him, much like I felt he avoided me in earlier years. There really is no positive spin I can put on this, I am failing him as a son, now consciously as opposed to the failure I was subconsciously for being who I am to begin with, and he, in my warped mind, has failed in some ways as a Dad. I will always love him but I will never feel like I was truly his son or that he will ever accept me for who, and what, I am. That, therefore, may always keep us from a REAL relationship. We all fail, we're human, we just need to learn from our failures and try to make the best of the time we have left, especially with those we love. No matter how they may have hurt us, or seemingly continue to hurt us, we must learn to put that aside in hopes of developing the relationship we'd like to nurture.

I have always had issues with men I suppose that's why I've always been single. I don't trust them, they make me uncomfortable, they by their very presence can make me feel inadequate, stupid, and like a little kid again, and personal history has taught me they will always abandon you. There is always something in their lives they'd rather have than you, or rather be doing than being with you.Trust issues? Maybe a little...

Someday I hope to find a man who will prove me wrong on all those counts. Someday I hope my Dad and I can forge a real relationship based on mutual love, respect, and acceptance. I don't see that happening any time soon but I hope we have enough time left to see it occur.

Happy Father's Day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUwjNBjqR-c