Are you worth more than you think? A study in self loathing.

I have been unemployed for a rather extended period of time and it's not the first time in the last 25 years. I worked for an organisation that is not required to pay unemployment taxes, not that I would have filed anyway and the benefits would have expired long ago. So my contribution to our lives dissipated long ago.



Add to that pay cuts for my Dearest One, and increased medical expenses, and you have the makings of a man who feels far less than adequate.



Then there's the real topper we lost our home! Granted it was just an apartment but it was ours and HOME. We have now been reduced to living in someone else's home without any of our things and apparently there are those who believe we did this by choice and like this arrangement. It seems to me anyone who knows me, even vaguely, would know I wouldn't choose to live amongst someone else's disconnected junque over my own mass of dust collectors and junque.


Don't get me wrong I'm grateful, I just wish we didn't have to live with someone else. Especially someone whose views on life, faith, and what makes a good home vary so greatly from my own.



So as I get a little testy when things are not put back where they belong, or someone fails to clean up after themselves or to do something the way I believe is common sense, I am reminded how futile I am and that I have no say in this house. I need to learn to not care because It's none of my business. While I think I'm doing things to better the lives of those living here, I'm really just aggravating them and, at times, frightening them.



In a society where the man is supposed to be the bread winner and supposed to be the support system and pillar of the household, how does an unemployed, worthless being, only good at being a housewife, find any self worth? Especially when he's already thought of as less than a man, by much of society, for being gay. Yes I know that whole mentality is sexist but it's the indoctrination of my generation.



I am at a loss. I wish I didn't have to rely on anyone else. I wish I could just leave and let them go on without me. Honestly, I wish I didn't exist. I have really never been anything in this life but a burden. There are those who might argue but they're too vested to see the truth.

I try daily to improve myself, to avoid the depression and mania that are so much a part of me, but I too often fail. I try to be positive to look at all the good in life but I'll be honest, other than my Dearest One, I don't see any positives in my life. It has continued to go from bad to worse and I don't see any hope of it getting better. I'm not a 'glass half full' or 'glass half empty' kind of guy. I'm a 'the glass is broken and no-one is going to pick up the pieces' kind of guy.



So, yes I feel worthless and no there isn't anything that can be said or done to change that. I know there are those who love me despite the worthless monster I think I am, but that doesn't change my core.

Perhaps tomorrow will be different. Maybe I'll find a ray of hope. But for today I'm wallowing in my low self-esteem and complete lack of hope.