Dr. Jekyll and I refuse to hide. ( a series of digressions on internal machinations)

I'll admit, my personality has it's extremes. Unfortunately they can, at times, be seen in rather short succession. I'm not proud of this fact it is what it is, a chemical imbalance that has left me trying to prevent others from seeing the monster I am capable of being.

There are some triggers I can, and try to, control. There are others with which I have a bit more difficulty. There are chemicals offered that can 'balance' my insanity. For reasons I'll not go into at this time, I generally avoid those options.

So I gained a great deal of weight, shut myself off from the world, and delved into a greater depression than I had ever before experienced.

I have, more than once, been accused of agoraphobia and I've really never been much in social circles, without much 'psyching up.' Yet this was something greater, deeper, darker. I no longer derived pleasure from ANYTHING. I even allowed the house to go untended and began to just stack things on the dining table rather than obsessively putting them away as is my 'norm.' What was this? Who was this?

That was several years ago. I've lost a fair bit of the weight. I, rather freely, join in social activities upon occasion. I'm a much healthier, happier me. Or so I thought.

A great deal has changed in my world over the last couple of years, as is true in the lives of many, with the downturn in the economy and medical issues for my Dearest One. I have felt compelled, under the circumstances, to once again pretend to be someone I'm not.

I spent a great many years trying to please everyone else and keep them from knowing my darkest secrets. I was so happy to give up those masks. While I felt I lost some dear friends along the way, and hurt some others who certainly deserved better, I was free. (Perhaps someday I'll go into what I feel I lost when I finally came out. In some ways I guess this constitutes coming out again, to the Blogosphere.)

Now I'm back to people pleasing and hiding...

I had a 'tried and true' escape from it all. When I knew I was reaching my breaking point I would escape... into beads.

Suddenly, the other day, it dawned on me that I haven't done any SERIOUS beadwork in over a year. Nothing major in 2 years.

So my conclusion? I'm going to spend more time doing what I love, beading, and less time hiding who I am  from myself and others.