I'm no Mary Poppins (practicly perfect in every way)

I've just finished reading an article about why you may still be unmarried. The things I read when bored.

This article was full of suggestions, to young ladies, to improve their being marriageable. These were not appearance, or personality changes, but life changes that would send out subliminal messages via your daily activities and mentality that you are indeed marriage material.

I can't discount the article at all in fact I see most of the ideas set forth as viable for every one looking for love or just trying to get through life.

One in particular got my attention, especially as a self-professed perfectionist who wishes the little things didn't so aggravate him and that he could just let it go. "Practice imperfection." The author goes on to say 'don't even attempt to be perfect. Choose some areas in which to just be adequate.'

Her suggestions for things in which to strive for adequate were along the lines of gift wrapping, and thank you notes, but she has a point. As one who is, all too frequently, guilty of expecting perfection from not only myself but others, life would be so much more pleasant if we could just let a few things go now and then.

This, however, is easier said than done. I have been preaching this to myself for years. I try not to be as hard on others as I am on myself but at times I know I fail.

I have always felt that being a perfectionist or control freak hides some deeper issue. We're obsessive about the minutiae because somewhere in our lives we feel we have some large issue over which we have no control.

My deepest perceived issue is undoubtedly that I'm gay. I have spent years fighting or hiding the fact. While I like to think that most days I now accept myself for who I am, there is always still this gnawing at the back of my mind concerning my being wrong. I KNOW I didn't choose to be gay, yet I was raised in a Christian atmosphere. That being said, it can really mess with your head.

I knew fairly young that I was gay. I also knew that my mother would be accepting and supportive when and if I ever came out. I was right. Yet I have long said that had she not married her last husband I would probably have a healthier self image. He and his family were(are) the ultimate in right wing, fundamentalist, hate mongering. I know that's a terrible thing to say but my Dad was what most frightened me about coming out, and while I love him dearly being in his presence still makes me very uncomfortable because I have never felt as though he can love and accept me with this 'flaw.'

So I strive for perfection in EVERYTHING else. Perhaps in an attempt to please my dad. Perhaps in an effort to cover my 'sin.' I really don't think there's any way I'll ever please my dad and I don't see how being who you were born as can be a 'sin.' I know I was 'Born this way,' I just can't help internalising the fact that so much of the world either believes I wasn't or wishes I hadn't been.

I will therefore continue to strive for 'adequate,' to allow others to live their best while also expecting a little less from myself. Yet I can't help thinking I never want it said of me that he has the 'good enough for government work' mentality. I want, always, to strive for better but I need not always strive for perfect as I know I will never attain perfection.

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things."                                                                                                                          ~Robert Braut