Do we as individuals have a tendency to allow others to deny us those things we know we need? Does our attempt at pleasing others keep us from attaining things we know we would enjoy, or even need? Do we, even as adults, give in to peer pressure thus denying ourselves for the sake of the group?
How do we decide what to deny ourselves simply because it may not be popular opinion?
Have you ever given up a large portion of yourself to keep from making waves or offending someone?
These are questions that lay a groundwork for a confession with which I have long fought. A confession about my spiritual well being.
Can I allow man to dictate my ability to have a relationship with God because they perceive my very existence as a sin? Is it not easier to choose not to believe in God rather than deal with the idea that some believe God hates fags? How does one who grew up in a Christian environment believe in two such different views that he was born gay and that God does indeed love him as He created him?
One must choose God. One cannot choose to be gay or straight.
I was once part of a very dynamic, Spirit filled, ministerial team. I loved my position and my relationship with both God and the church. In many ways I felt that the things I was doing as part of this ministry made me complete. Then I began to come to terms with who I knew myself to be, based on all I had been taught, the two could not coexist.
I left the ministry in order that I not be seen as a hypocrite. I wanted to be able to both "talk the talk and walk the walk" and being gay, presumably, kept me from that accomplishment. I so wanted to still be a part of the ministry not so much for what it may be doing in the lives of others, but for what it did for me and my life.
I have never at any other point in my life felt happier, more fulfilled, or more complete, than I did in my years of ministry. Part of me firmly believes that is where I still belong.
There is a line in one of my favorite films wherein Papa is going to teach his daughter, Yentl, while it is forbidden he is going to teach her Talmud yet insists she close the curtains. "Why Papa? I trust God will understand the neighbors I'm not so sure about." Even in my youth, long before I came out, this movie spoke volumes to me. She had such a thirst for knowledge, such a desire to know God, and yet because of who she was, she was denied that opportunity. I, being gay, was also meant to be denied the opportunity to reach the throne, at least that is what "the neighbors" believed.
My current spiritual stance is that of an Agnostic, not necessarily because I question the existence of God but because I do not believe in a God who fits within the parameters, and limitations, in which Christendom has tried to confine Him. I believe a benevolent God would accept me and use me as He created me. That I am exactly as He designed and that, somehow, that works within a framework of ministry and spiritual development for both myself and others. Somehow He wants me to be able to minister to others and still be myself. But where? Who, besides God, will accept me as I am and allow me to be part of a ministry?
It has recently come to my attention that there are those whom I did touch during my years of ministry and who have gone on to be fine, upstanding members of ministry teams themselves and have touched many and continue to minister as God sees fit. Therefore my ministry was not without fruit, God was able to use this gay guy to do His work, despite what man may have felt.
Some day I will be able to change my beliefs from Agnostic to Man of God. I will find a place wherein I can be accepted as well as ministered to and allowed to be ministered through.
So what did I give up for the "freedom" of coming out? I haven't REALLY given up that part of me, it just lays smoldering within awaiting His bellows to regain consumption. Until then, I trust God will understand, the neighbors I'm not so sure about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wDqd7Sn9lE
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